I highly recommend following @jennieyoung who created The Burned Haystack method based on her expertise of applied rhetoric (she has a Ph.D.), I happily don't date anymore (separated in 2017 as well) but her work has taught me a tonne about communication. I've preordered her book, and cannot wait to give it to every woman I know. 💙
I’m super into this take, especially the part that refuses to pretend the current dating culture is merely “challenging” rather than structurally incoherent. A lot of what women are calling burnout is actually revelatory. After all, when partnership is no longer required for survival, the tolerance for confusion, low effort, and male entitlement drops fast.
Dating isn’t dead because the apps broke it. Dating is dying in its current form because women are no longer willing to audition for love. The old model depended on women needing partnership badly enough to tolerate ambiguity, misalignment, and obnoxious fuckery. That’s the real collapse. Of course, the apps certainly industrialized it.
And yes, meeting in real life, actual effort, and face-to-face conversation all sound like a saner alternative. Because we don't need dating to die... we need the death of desperation.
Absolutely. Men don’t seem to have received the memo that we are done auditioning, as you say. They’re annoyed they have to make an effort then complain they can’t get a date.
I've been single for about 10 years now and you hit the nail on the head. All my relationships have been in person and it's why I haven't did much online dating at all for the reasons you've listed.
For the most part I've enjoyed my independence-sometimes I think would I love to have a partner? Sure! But it isn't the end all be all for me at the end of the day.
Thanks Maggie! I think this is key - we are whole people on our own. Relationships can be beautiful and amazing and soul-enriching…but if it’s not that, I don’t want it!
I once met someone online whose text game was incredible. But when we first met in person the connection I expected to feel wasn’t really there. I gave it another chance and the connection grew — we even ended up engaged — but by the time I realized he didn’t actually have the capacity to meet me, I was already deeply invested.
It made me realize how easily messaging chemistry can mask deeper differences in relational capacity. The interesting part is that there are early signals of capacity — subtle ones — that show up much sooner than we think.
You are spot on, Stephanie. It can be hard to strike a balance between extending some grace and allowing people to reveal themselves in a slow, organic way and ignoring subtle signs early on. Such an important point about realising when someone can’t match your emotional depth - damn this is disappointing!! I feel you.
I highly recommend following @jennieyoung who created The Burned Haystack method based on her expertise of applied rhetoric (she has a Ph.D.), I happily don't date anymore (separated in 2017 as well) but her work has taught me a tonne about communication. I've preordered her book, and cannot wait to give it to every woman I know. 💙
I’m super into this take, especially the part that refuses to pretend the current dating culture is merely “challenging” rather than structurally incoherent. A lot of what women are calling burnout is actually revelatory. After all, when partnership is no longer required for survival, the tolerance for confusion, low effort, and male entitlement drops fast.
Dating isn’t dead because the apps broke it. Dating is dying in its current form because women are no longer willing to audition for love. The old model depended on women needing partnership badly enough to tolerate ambiguity, misalignment, and obnoxious fuckery. That’s the real collapse. Of course, the apps certainly industrialized it.
And yes, meeting in real life, actual effort, and face-to-face conversation all sound like a saner alternative. Because we don't need dating to die... we need the death of desperation.
Absolutely. Men don’t seem to have received the memo that we are done auditioning, as you say. They’re annoyed they have to make an effort then complain they can’t get a date.
We need a cultural overhaul.
If "Love Is Blind" is any indication of the current state of dating, then we're definitely mired in the a dysfunctional doom and gloom period 😔
BTW- Love the new profile pic 😍
I honestly think those shows perpetuate shitty dating behaviours (as well as put them firmly in the spotlight)
I've been single for about 10 years now and you hit the nail on the head. All my relationships have been in person and it's why I haven't did much online dating at all for the reasons you've listed.
For the most part I've enjoyed my independence-sometimes I think would I love to have a partner? Sure! But it isn't the end all be all for me at the end of the day.
Love your writings'!
Thanks Maggie! I think this is key - we are whole people on our own. Relationships can be beautiful and amazing and soul-enriching…but if it’s not that, I don’t want it!
Wow. I feel every word of this and could have written a very similar recount of my dating experience over the last 8 years. Spot on.
The struggle is real, Kate!
This resonated for me.
I once met someone online whose text game was incredible. But when we first met in person the connection I expected to feel wasn’t really there. I gave it another chance and the connection grew — we even ended up engaged — but by the time I realized he didn’t actually have the capacity to meet me, I was already deeply invested.
It made me realize how easily messaging chemistry can mask deeper differences in relational capacity. The interesting part is that there are early signals of capacity — subtle ones — that show up much sooner than we think.
You are spot on, Stephanie. It can be hard to strike a balance between extending some grace and allowing people to reveal themselves in a slow, organic way and ignoring subtle signs early on. Such an important point about realising when someone can’t match your emotional depth - damn this is disappointing!! I feel you.