Your relationship didn't fail and neither did you
+ I will never date another yoga teacher.
Hello, my loves!
I’m keeping things short(er) this week as August is already shaping up as my busiest month this year. It’s full of all good stuff - family celebrations, connecting with friends and buckling down on some health goals of mine - but it does mean less space for the verbose inside thoughts I usually project on to all of you.
Having said that, I haven’t switched off self-reflection mode (as if I could lol) and have, in fact, had a couple of minor epiphanies as I process the last of my big feelings about my latest heartbreak.
Wanna get into one of them with me? Of course you do. Let’s go, baby.
Try. Test. Fail. Then try again.
When I look back back over my relationships history, it’s easy to perceive a sea of failure at first glance. After all, I have been married and divorced twice. Over the past 5 years I’ve entered into a collection of relationships ranging from situationship to full blown committed partnership. All of these have ended. None have lasted longer than 18 months. I’m still single.
0/10. F. Do not pass go.
The thing is though, after my second marriage ended, I made an important promise to myself. It was a particularly toxic relationship. I had lost all sense of who I was and had completely disconnected from my intuition. I had gaslit myself into thinking feeling emotionally unsafe and in constant fight or flight was normal and just part of the whole ‘marriage isn’t meant to be easy, they take work, it’s not about you it’s about the union’ thing. Which, by the way, makes me want to vomit all over my divorce papers now.
So, the promise I made to myself was to never compromise on who I am or what I need just to keep a relationship alive. Compromise on whose family we visit on Christmas Day? Yes. Take a hit on my personal shopping budget so we can save for an overseas trip? Yes. Lean in to understanding my lover’s emotional baggage and adjusting my approach to create emotional safety? Also yes. But abandon my own needs? Accept and enable behaviour that makes me feel anxious and unsafe? Stop doing karaoke? That’s a hard no.
When I started dating again, I had this burned into my brain. Do. Not. Lose. Yourself. Do. Not. Overfunction. Do. Not. Date. A. Yoga. Teacher. But, like any fresh pursuit, we don’t immediately become pro at something new. We have to try, test and fail. We have to build the muscle over time. We have to discover what works and what doesn’t.
As I met new people, formed connections and considered whether a relationship might bloom, I had to notice when I was slipping back into bad habits. And slip I did. Literally the first Bumble date I went on was with a yoga teacher. I had a 2 month fling with someone who ripped my nervous system to shreds with his hot/cold communication. I got into a relationship with someone for 18 months who was so low effort that he described my over functioning as ‘easy street’ for him. To my face.
On the surface, this looks like more failure, right? But examining this romantic rollercoaster more closely reveals something more.
Progress.
Readjusting the point of failure
Each time I noticed old patterns creeping back in I checked myself. I dug in to where it was coming from and reached into my emotional armoury to battle through it.
I could feel my resolve - don’t lose yourself, don’t overgive - getting stronger each time. And by the time my boyfriend of 18 months tried to convince me that his lack of desire for me was a non-issue because of HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME, I did something remarkable. Groundbreaking, you might say.
I walked away.
Damn, it felt good. After decades of anxiously trying to make men stay, no matter how shitty their behaviour, I have finally learned how to walk away from connections that require me to lose myself and overgive.
In fact, when the guy I was most recently dating explained he had pulled away because I’m ‘too good for him’ (code for: I can’t meet you where you’re at), I simply said ‘OK’ and it ended.
And for an anxiously attached, people pleasing lover girl like me, this is huge.
So, you see my loves, it’s time to readjust the point of failure on relationships.
It’s not the ending that’s the failure.
The failure is when you stay in something that costs more than it’s worth.
It’s so easy to for society to pity single people, and feel sorry that we ‘just can’t seem to make it work’. That’s the point, Linda. We’re not prepared to make things work for the sake of a sub-par relationship with someone who undervalues us.
You didn’t fail. Your relationship didn’t fail. It ended. You walked away. And that’s the part where you win.
Because ending something that required you to abandon yourself?
That’s the definition of success.
So have as many ended relationships, situationships, friends with benefits scenarios as you need, my love. As long as you’re building the strength to call it when it no longer meets your standard, you’re a walking success story.
Until next week, lovers.
Evie xx
Love this Evie. To celebrating endings as successes! 🥂
And you are surrounded by people who are there to remind you of your worth 🥰❤️🫶