Am I too much, not enough or do I not exist at all?
+ being radicalised by Eckhart Tolle and Lena Dunham
Hello, my loves!
I’m not gonna lie, the past few weeks have had me feeling emotionally scattered. I’m usually quite vigilant about keeping my heart and head healthy, but lately this has required more heavy lifting than usual.
This has been due to a couple of things, mostly additional adulting pressures and my tendency to OVERTHINK EVERYTHING when stressed. But while I’ve been able to reach in to my practical toolkit to put some boundaries and practices in place, I have needed something more heavy duty on the emotional front.
Something to feel a) seen and b) grounded.
Feeling seen
Cue Lena Dunham’s new Netflix series, Too Much.
The series follows Jessica, a 30-something American woman who moves to London after a brutal breakup, hoping to start over. As she navigates a new culture, work life, and dating scene, Jessica finds herself entangled with a local musician hottie who seems allergic to adulting.
Jessica is emotionally intense, introspective, and witty, with a penchant for overthinking and oversharing (it’s me, hi). She’s trying to rebuild her life abroad, which she’s doing functionally with a new job and social circle. Her self-esteem is healthy. However, she’s a deep feeler. She feels ‘too much’. And I get the sense that she is exhausted from having to constantly apologise for this, or make her self ‘less’ so she’s more palatable to the people whose opinions matter.
Man, I was so excited about this one. I love Lena, her writing is always so real. I saw the trailer for this show and felt seen, which is the perfect antidote for how I’ve been feeling lately - invisible.
As a woman in her mid-forties, I’ve started to notice my slow fade into the societal background. At work, I’m no longer invited for coffee with my younger, cooler colleagues. At home, I’m purely functional (to be fair, that’s entirely appropriate given my housemates are 5 and 8 years old). Out in the world, I’m asking to be noticed rather than just being noticed - ordering drinks at a bar, getting in on conversation at a party, in the school parents’ group chat.
This feeling of invisibility has been exacerbated by my increasingly louder internal dialogue that my expectations in romantic relationships are probably unreasonable, and I should dial them (and myself ) down to a tolerable level to be loveable.
I want to be really clear here. This is an internal process. Externally, I’m excellent at showing up with authenticity (just like Jessica). In the wake of my divorce, I made a myself promise that I would never shrink to within an inch of my being again (or, at all for that matter). I am crystal clear on what I want my life to look and feel like now, and that involves a much less fuck-giving and much more doing what I want.
But.
Watching the first few episodes of Too Much I heard the whispers inside grow louder.
Don’t ask for what you need.
Stop trying so hard to deepen the emotional connection.
Tone down the vulnerability.
It’s your fault you feel unfulfilled. Your expectations are too high.
Not because this is what the show promotes. Not at all. But because I immediately recognised myself in Jessica, and felt on a visceral level the pain of emotional rejection and exhaustion brought on by the constant rumination of ‘How is that I am too much but not enough all at once?’
I’ve heard the retort ‘If I’m too much, go find less’. It’s helpful as a boost to lift me out of the depths of doubt. But in practice? It’s a hard internal battle to win.
It requires solid self-esteem, healthy boundaries and a willingness to be the one who ends a relationship where you can’t be your whole self.
It requires practice and commitment to self-preservation while maintaining vulnerability in the name of deep connection with others.
And it requires acceptance that ‘too much’ is actually code for ‘not enough of something more palatable’, and that’s an entirely subjective point of view.
I am yet to watch an episode of Too Much without crying my eyes out. The show itself is receiving mixed reviews, but it helps me feel seen and this season of life where I feel largely invisible, that’s exactly what I need.
Getting grounded
When I feel emotional scattered, the other thing I need to do is stabilise. I’m not trying to stop my feelings from feeling - experience has shown that would be an entirely futile exercise - but I do need to get on with life. I’ve got shit to do and can’t have my internal breakdowns prevent me from turning up to my 9am with Kate from the finance department.
Recently I realised one of my usual practices to bring about this stability was only partially working. It’s a mediation I’ve been doing for years and I love it because it helps me feel connected to the universe and helps me surrender and let go of controlling outcomes. But I realised I was using this mediation practice to rise above everything. To get higher, to transcend. Not a fundamentally bad thing, but to be honest I don’t need to rise above reality right now. I need to ground down.
Second cue - Eckhart Tolle. I first came across Eckhart’s work in the midst of a bad break up in 2013. The Power of Now was a game changer for me, before I had any of the skills to navigate heartbreak I have today. If you’re not familiar, his work is about helping people find peace by living fully in the present moment. He teaches that most of our suffering comes from being caught up in our thoughts, especially regrets about the past or worries about the future.
At its core, his message is simple and practical:
Be here now. Pay attention to what’s happening in the present instead of getting lost in your head.
You are not your thoughts. Learn to observe your mind without getting pulled into every idea or emotion.
Let go of the ego. A lot of pain comes from trying to protect or prove your identity; true freedom comes when you stop clinging to labels and stories about yourself.
One of my toxic traits is that I will have my mind blown by something, be all about it for a few months, then get distracted by life and forget the life-changing experience I just had. But that first introduction to Eckhart’s work has stayed with me, and this time when I needed some serious grounding, I picked up his latest - A New Earth.
This one is focussed on ego, specifically how to overcome the part of us that’s driven by fear, comparison, and the need for control or validation. The idea is that most personal and collective suffering comes from ego-based thinking. If we can recognise when ego is running the show, get present and let go of old identities that keep us stuck, we can live a life of purpose, aligned with who we are at our core. Which, by the way, is our consciousness that both exists and does not exist because it’s the space beyond your name, roles, past and beliefs.
Got it?
Seriously though, for me, acknowledging that suffering comes from trying to protect ego, which is the opposite of consciousness (i.e. our true selves) is the single most effective practice I now have in battling my defence mechanism to shrink.
Because when I start feeling like I can’t ask for what I need, or need to adjust my own expectations to meet someone else’s capacity to love me, I remind myself of (and mediate on) this:
My worth isn’t something I have to prove, protect, or negotiate. It simply is. Shrinking, people-pleasing, or editing my needs to avoid discomfort is a response driven by ego. But consciousness, the deeper, truer part of me, doesn’t need to hustle for love or safety. It just observes. It allows. It knows I am enough, even when someone else can’t meet me there.
This practice is incredibly grounding. It brings me back to the presence of what’s true and real. And, when I’m really on fire with it, it removes the anxiety of ‘too much yet not enough’.
So, emotionally scattered? Two things can help:
being seen
getting grounded
Will I ever stop wondering if I’m too much? Probably not.
But when I remember that the concept of too much doesn't actually exist because subjective opinions don’t apply to pure consciousness?
Try and stop me taking up as much emotional space as I need.
Until next week, lovers.
Evie x
Vibes from someone who is also too much yet never enough and never seems to quite fit in anywhere 😅
Oh Evie, I’m in a season of behind-the-scenes hard emotionally (hence the fall off the communication planet) but you have no idea how much your words have been helping each week 🧡 thank you…and also started watching TOO MUCH tonight, before reading this, and it’s a quite literally like watching a bloody biopic, wild…5 eps in so let’s see if the story unfolds similarly 😟
Know your light is anything but dimmed in this space, my love xx