Monday Hearts Club: Normalising Multiple Great Loves in a Lifetime.
Monday Hearts Club: Normalising Multiple Great Loves in a Lifetime.
Louder for my divorced friends in the back.
Hello, my loves.
I have a few new subscribers this week - welcome to the Club! Thanks for joining us, it is SO nice to have you here.
It’s Monday. Let’s talk about de-stigmatising the concept of having as many great loves as you damn well please.
I’ve been married and divorced twice. Because of this, some might say I have no business making a living writing about relationships. I’m clearly not very good at them.
My view is the opposite. In fact, these ‘failures’ have actually made me somewhat of an expert.
Nothing makes me more qualified to write about the complexity of intimate relationships than the lived experience of choosing my own happiness over honouring a legal commitment I made when I was wildly in love.
In my experience, when you get divorced, two things happen:
People around you will judge and quietly wonder what you did to cause the relationship to break down (yes, even when your husband cheated on you)
People will take your divorce very, very personally
I think there are a couple of reasons why people have such a visceral reaction to something that really has nothing to do with them.
One is that I think divorce can shine a light on other people’s relationships. I’m in my mid-40s and many of my friends have been married for 15+ years. I imagine when they see a relationship around them dissolve it might make them wonder whether the things they are tolerating in their marriage are worth it.
Or perhaps they feel resentful that the people getting divorced can exit from something unhappy, while they have chosen to stay. It’s like an offence to the ol’ ‘for better or for worse’, right?
The other reason I think people take divorce so personally is because the concept of a lifelong, singular soulmate still reigns supreme in our cultural narrative. Getting divorced starts to challenge this still heavily ingrained social norm.
And I’ll tell you something else that really riles things up.
Finding a new love. Re-partnering. Daring to get re-married.
Unlucky or Incredibly Fortunate?
With high divorce rates and the emergence of a range of new relationship dynamics beyond single, lifelong partnerships, it’s clear that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to love and happiness.
Yet, the idea of experiencing multiple great loves over a lifetime can often be met with skepticism or even shame. Not only are we supposed to find ‘our person’ and stick with them forever, but we are also quick to categorise relationships that end as failures. But what if it was perfectly normal to meet someone, commit to them, have a relationship and then end it when it stops serving the people in it? Then rinse and repeat with someone else?
What if, instead of this pattern being labelled as ‘unlucky in love’, we saw it as a healthy approach to human connection through the various chapters of our lives?
Are We Really Still Obsessed With ‘Settling Down’?
It’s true that divorce is increasingly recognized as a natural part of many people’s life journeys. It signifies growth, self-awareness, and the courage to pursue happiness and fulfilment, even if it means making difficult choices along the way. However, there still exists a quiet perception that divorce is a personal failure or a mark of shame. Societal attitudes can still perpetuate the idea that ending a marriage is synonymous with personal inadequacy or brokenness.
The pressure to “settle down” further complicates matters, implying that success in life and love is contingent upon finding a lifelong partner early on and sticking with that choice indefinitely. This pressure can disregard the reality that people change and grow throughout their lives, and what fulfils them at one stage may evolve over time. I was first married at 26. I had absolutely no business choosing my partner for the rest of my life at 26. I barely even knew myself.
What if, we acknowledge that we are not the same person at 25 as we are at 40? Or 50? Or 65? And that it’s perfectly fine to grow in a different direction from your partner and then set both of you free to find your next great love?
A Fulfilling Life of Multiple Great Loves
Having multiple great loves over a lifetime can be seen not as a sign of instability or failure, but rather as a testament to a rich and fulfilling life. Each meaningful connection teaches us something about ourselves and others, helping us to grow emotionally and spiritually. These relationships may vary in intensity, duration, and form, yet each contributes uniquely to our personal narrative and journey.
I have been lucky enough to have had a few great loves in my life. These relationships have not always been healthy from start to finish, but I was in love each time. I can unequivocally say I would not be the woman I am today without those experiences of love. I have learned so much about myself and the human condition through these relationships, and although there have been equal parts joy and pain, I am even more sure about the value of love today than ever.
Ultimately, the journey of love is deeply personal and unique to each individual. Whether you find a profound connection with one person or multiple great loves throughout your life, what matters most is authenticity, mutual respect, and emotional fulfilment.
My point here is this. Choosing to honour our own needs and desires, even if they diverge from the traditional norms and draw judgement from others, is a courageous act of self-empowerment. It allows us to cultivate relationships that are authentic, nurturing, and aligned with our evolving sense of self. You are not broken or a failure if your relationship ends, even if judgment from others makes you feel like you are. You are human and you are allowed to stop doing things that no longer serve you.
Most importantly, you are still deserving of love. In fact, your next great love could be just around the corner.