Do you need to ‘do the work’ or are you in a relationship with an asshole?
Do you need to ‘do the work’ or are you in a relationship with an asshole?
Hello, my love. Welcome back to the Club!
It’s Monday. Let’s talk about covert assholery.
Once upon a time, I was married to an asshole.
I mean, he was objectively awful as a husband. Cheating, emotional manipulation, gaslighting — it was all there. Yet, I stayed with him for almost a decade. We had 2 children together.
I’ve spent many sleepless nights in the years since that marriage ended trying to work out why I stayed. It carries with it a fair amount of shame because I like to think of myself as a smart, strong woman. Yet during my marriage, I was somehow convinced that the problem was me.
In fact, there was a time were I started to believe that I was the asshole.
This was partially because I was told I was the reason for his shitty behaviour, but mostly it was because it was easier for me to believe that I had control of fixing things. That his behaviour was something I could control. That if I just looked inward and worked out what I needed to do differently to magically transform my cheating husband into a faithful, respectful one.
And that’s exactly what I did. I saw a therapist, read books about attachment styles, soulmates and marriage, meditated daily on how I could open my heart more to him and took a course about forgiveness.
I regret none of this. I learned so much about myself and what a healthy relationship can look like and got a taste for personal development that is still a bit part of my life today. But what it didn’t do was fix the fact that my husband is, in fact, just an asshole. I could throw all the love in the world at the situation, but I was never going to be able to control his choices.
Obviously, navigating relationships is complex. Introspection and effort from both partners is a healthy thing. However, there comes a point where the line blurs between ‘doing the work’ and tolerating unacceptable behaviour. It begs the question: Are you investing in a relationship that has potential, or are you simply in a toxic situation?
Understanding ‘doing the work’
In healthy relationships, ‘doing the work’ means actively engaging in open communication, compromise, and mutual growth. It involves empathetic listening, understanding your partner’s needs, and making efforts to meet them halfway. This work isn’t always easy; it requires patience, vulnerability, and a willingness to address issues as they arise.
Signs You’re Doing the Work
Communication is Open and Honest: You and your partner can discuss sensitive topics without fear of judgment or anger.
Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are handled respectfully, with both parties seeking solutions rather than escalating tensions.
Mutual Support and Growth: Each partner encourages the other’s personal development and respects their individual goals and ambitions.
Signs you’re in a relationship with an asshole:
Conversely, being in a relationship with an asshole often involves enduring patterns of disrespect, manipulation, or emotional abuse. Here are signs that your efforts might be futile:
Consistent Disrespect: Your partner belittles you, disregards your feelings, or consistently undermines your self-esteem.
Manipulative Behavior: They use guilt trips, gaslighting, or other tactics to control your thoughts, actions, or emotions.
Lack of Accountability: Your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions or blames you for everything that goes wrong.
How to spot the difference
When you’re in something toxic, like I was, it can become increasingly difficult to zoom out and differentiate between ‘doing the work’ and being in a relationship that’s fundamentally unhealthy. To help with this, ask yourself:
Are You Growing Together or Apart? Healthy relationships foster personal and collective growth. If you feel stagnant or worse off, it might be time to reassess.
Do You Feel Respected and Valued? Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If you consistently feel disrespected or undervalued, it’s a red flag.
Are Your Needs Being Met? Both partners should strive to meet each other’s emotional, physical, and psychological needs. If you’re constantly compromising without reciprocity, it may be imbalanced.
Ultimately, relationships require effort, but that effort should enhance your well-being and happiness. If you find yourself questioning whether you’re ‘doing the work’ or tolerating mistreatment, trust your instincts. I know this can be hard, especially when you want the relationship to survive. It can be less distressing to try and focus on what could be, or tell yourself you alone can fix it. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no relationship should require you to sacrifice your dignity or endure ongoing distress. Recognising when a relationship is unhealthy is a sign of strength, not failure.
There are enough assholes in this world already, you don’t need to tolerate being in a relationship with one.